Jolly Dolly

 

 © Saman Giraud

The Writer's Block Virgin

Every writer has made the acquaintance or has at least heard of the oh-so-legendary 'Writer's block'. And just like many others, I suddenly found myself unwillingly hurled at a place that I didn't like and therefore a place I urgently needed to leave. Welcome to the journey of a Writer's block virgin.

1) JUST RELAX
The exit door leading straight to creative wonderland seemed at first logical if not to say easy: Relaxation. Therefore I took a deep breath with my eyes gently closed like in those generic yoga ads. I tried to relax for hours, days, weeks, even for months. Yet the durability of trying to relax combined with the nonexistence of any satisfying results whatsoever, made me add an extra effort to it, which on the other hand resulted in nothing but additional stress: the stress over not being able to relax. And there I was back to exactly where I had started: stiff, tense and wordless. Clearly I was running in circles - running far away from relaxation. But I had gained one thing: a special form of a slight passive aggression towards any remotely human being trying to be 'helpful' and asking me to 'just relax'. Even though it is certainly questionable whether or not this state of mind can be described as a 'gain' at all. But that's a different story.

2) BEAUTY IS EVERYWHERE
Plan B was to write about something beautiful. Beauty can be incredibly disgusting when you're forced to it. Nonetheless, I decided to intensely seek inspiration as at that point the nausea of looking at a blank piece of paper forced me to scale down my expectations from 600 words down to one single sentence. Talk about being desperate. I sat down over and over again, thinking of the past few months, my eyes still closed, seeing the incredible collection of breathtaking impressions and emotions I had been blessed with and that I had stored in my head. A wonderful place thus far far away from my fingertips. You would think that any writer would be able to fulfill the task of writing a single sentence. But nowadays more than ever a single sentence is under a constant serious life threat by being just one click away from trash and two clicks from forever gone.

3) ANY TOPIC IS A GOOD TOPIC
I ended up gazing shyly at good old Google, like a little girl who is well aware that she's not supposed to look at the soon to follow sex scene on TV but somehow can't help it. Google is naked knowledge combining the good, the evil and the idiotic and therefore it has an answer to almost every question I can possibly think of. I was looking for the famous advice of famous authors- famous as in folks who actually get paid for a sentence. I can tell you that any hint of possible embarrassment over myself googling 'Writer's block' vanished within 0,35 seconds. That's how long it took Google to give me more than 75 million results on this topic. Clearly I was not the only one and needless to say that I never made it past page 1 of my search results.  Now some of these famous authors suggest to write about something. Anything. Whatever.  Obviously I gave it a shot. Who wouldn't? Their financial life depends on writing so whatever advice they have to offer must work, right? Wrong. 

I found myself trying to write about the daily news, orphans in Syria, hope and death in Lampedusa, water on Mars, global warming and other serious topics. I quickly switched to fashion week, people, couples,weirdos or nerdos before getting to good food, bad food, a skirt, a plant, love, a piece of art - even dirt. I was  drifting from topic to abstract and steering from a state of being desperate towards madness. What was missing was my inner glue on which words would simply stick and the fun I used to feel when writing.

4)FUN
Ray Bradbury, what would I do without you? I found a video of the Sixth Annual Writer's Symposium by the Sea in 2001, where Ray talked about writing and simultaneously rocked my world. That's when he unknowingly became my writer friend. And here's an excerpt of smarty pants Ray:

“Well, it’s obvious you’re doing the wrong thing, aren’t you? Hm? You're in the middle of writing something, you go blank and your mind says: “No, that’s it.” Huh? Ok. You’re being warned, aren’t you? Your subconscious is saying “I don’t like you anymore. You’re writing about things I don’t give a damn for.” Huh? You’re being political or you’re being socially aware. You’re writing things that will benefit the world. To hell with that! Huh? I don’t write things to benefit the world. If it happens that they do, swell! I didn’t set out to do that. I set out to have a hell of a lot of fun. Huh? I’ve never worked a day in my life. I’ve NEVER worked a day in my life. The joy of writing has propelled me from day to day and year to year. I want you to envy me, my joy. Get out of here tonight and say: ‘Am I being joyful?’ And if you’ve got a Writer’s block, you can cure it this evening by stopping whatever you’re writing and doing something else. You picked the wrong subject.”

Cheers to you Ray.  May your wonderful soul rest in peace.





 

The Idiot

Once upon a time a mother gave birth to an irresponsible, innocent, depending child. Year after year the child developed physically and therefore, year after year, the parent, or in the best case scenario the parents, would guide the child and teach him to become somewhat responsible, less innocent, but above all self-sufficient. In other words they would help him to develop mentally too.

In New York, a parent has exactly 18 years to prepare his child at his best for the 'Age Of Majority', in other words, the age of becoming a legal 'Adult': responsible for himself when it comes to almost everything but death, disease and alcohol. 

To be more specific, according to the law a child needs 18 years to be mature enough to have a credit card, sex, a wedding AND the right to vote. But according to some other law, this very same adult needs an additional 3 years of life experience and turn 21 before being considered mature enough to drink alcohol in public. Vodka beats President 3:0.

Please note that Mother's 99% adult can indeed drink, drive and marry under legal age as long as under 'supervision'. But that's a different story...

Discrepancies aside, one way or the other,  most children make it to the legal term of an 'adult' which is certainly more a matter of one way rather than the other; the inexorable march of time rather than the result of maturity.

And while parents and educational systems do as much as they can to raise a self-sufficient, independent thinking individual, laws nowadays shifted from protecting the individual from the harm of others to protecting the individual from himself - with the very best intentions in mind.

Wholefoods doesn't sell Diet Coke because it is not healthy for you. Try to find full fat yogurt, a never-ending Odyssey, because it is not healthy for you. In the midst of worldwide political crisis, somewhere between correction rape in South Africa and never ending unnecessary wars, Mayor Bloomberg has the glorious idea to ban supersize sodas because it is not healthy for you either. Smoking is banned from so many places, that it would be easier to designate the few one or two places where you can enjoy smoking. Same here: it is not healthy for you. 

In a country that is known for both, its consumerism and its freedom, we suddenly find ourselves not free to consume as we please. 

And while the marketing screams that the state cares for you, reality makes the city resemble more and more to an overbearing Chaperone who fines you, fights you in court and puts you behind bars if necessary - once more: with the best intentions in mind.

The latest addition to the Chaperone's resume being an ad I noticed in the subway station: A campaign that aims to shield youths from tobacco displays. Meaning: stores should hide the cigarettes they intend to sell, because according to a non specified research "...kids who shop at stores with tobacco marketing two or more times a week are 64% more likely to start smoking than their peers who don’t." Needless to say that questions about validity and research forms arise en masse. 

I was on my quest for my own little test research. Being a legal adult for a few decades now, I decided to get in touch with the average New York 'minor' and catch up on my reading by purchasing the latest 'Star' Magazine. The 'Star' magazine being a celebrity news magazine in the same style as 'People' or 'US Weekly'. The sad truth, like it or not, is that gossip replaced Victor Hugo a long time ago. 

Fact is that out of 74 pages, 23 pages are full page ads. And out of the 23 ads, two winners were crowned easily: TV shows advertising on 8 full pages followed very closely by 'How to drop 1 jean size in 2 weeks' ads on 7 full pages.

Let's assume for a short half minute that the laws I mentioned above are truly acting in our best interest. Let's assume the laws are right: If we see something we buy something. I can probably speak only for myself but I would definitely buy Starbucks coffee only, as I can see it on each block. I would also eat tons of street food and spend half of my paycheck on H&M before joining the US army as I am sure that deep inside of me, I am a hero too. I would also end up watching those TV shows like Tia & Tamera or Chicagolicious, with their complicated titles that invite for misspelling or copy/pasting and offer zero educational background. I would also believe that these reality TV shows are reality. And all the time I would be enjoying loosing fat at the speed of light. On the couch. But at least I would be a non smoker who doesn't drink diet coke.

  

At the end of the day, the more laws we allow to pass that take over our own responsibilities and consumer preferences,  the less we will find ourselves responsible for our own lives. Incapable in the long run to be self-sufficient or act independently when not under Chaperone's protective wings. We would be more prone to manipulation before slowly but surely finding ourselves walking backwards, debase the parent and the education we enjoyed by becoming minors again trapped in the body of an adult. But isn't it marvelous that we are still granted the right to vote the next president?


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Reasons To Hate New York

For 7 years, the New York magazine has been publishing 'Reasons to love New York'. The truth is that even though I love the city, it is not any different than a lover and therefore not perfect. But only once you acknowledge the imperfections, you can achieve acceptance or not, truly commit to the city and consider yourself as a New Yorker, who loves the city with flaws and all....

1_Attitude "I live in New York therefore I am important. You should know who I am. And in case you don't, I am more than happy to spell my name for you. Write it down and memorize."

2_Cracks Nuts 'The Nutcracker' performed by the New York City Ballet is considered by the New York magazine as 'our culture', written by Tchaikovsky and choreographed by Balanchine, who were both Russian just for the record. Anyone who has the slightest idea what an amazing merge this is, will be absolutely disappointed by the performance.

3_BK Myth Brooklyn is cool because Brooklyn is Brooklyn. Excuse me?

4_Cracks Brain Mental illness and Starbucks can be found on almost each block. With a broad range from PTSD, phobias, major depressions, bipolar syndrome, OCD, ADHD, substance abuse and more, it is not surprising that the top-selling class of drugs in the US are antipsychotics. Yes, the city is crazy.

5_Yellow Submarine The yellow cab shift change between 4-5 pm where it is impossible to get a cab, unless your destination is on his way home.

6_MTA = Morons Take Advantage The MTA charges us more every year and still doesn't manage to run on time when it rains, let alone snows. Instead there are service cuts. At least we know what we are paying for - with more than 10% of MTA employees earning more than a 100k a year.

7_Family Even though you have a live in nanny you send your kid to pre-pre-kindergarten.

8_Busy You don't have time, no matter what your job is , no matter if you have one: you are busy and that's why you slurp your stinky fish soup in the subway or stuff a sandwich in your mouth on the go while you're on the phone. Nail clipping included.

9_Addiction You can drug yourself up with over the counter medicine. Your dealer is officially legal.

10_Pee Pee Crime Public toilets are yet to be built, while public urinating is against the law. And when charged under the health code 153.09 it is a misdemeanor which is a crime under New York law. Pee pee goers are forced to be criminal.

11_Rent Is Too Damn High Living in Manhattan is expensive. Even though you can find a cheap room on Craigslist. Here is a typical ad: 'Location, location, location!The apartment is located in the basement of a town house in the fancy west village. Your room would be the first one in a railroad apartment. We are 8 super laid back folks who are looking for someone fun, quiet and clean. Vegans only.' Really?

12_Teach Me How To Doggie While the New York Dog law requires a rabies vaccination, it doesn't require your dog to wear a muzzle. But it's good to know that if i should get bitten, i won't have rabies. Thanks.

13_Dirty Just because you drop your laundry at the cleaners, doesn't mean they use detergent.

14_Nature Calling small areas like Paley Park a 'park' even tough there are more potted plants than rooted trees.

15_Major Bloomberg Problem He who enacts laws depending on his vision of the city while not accepting pay for his labor. I say let's pay him so that he functions as our voice and not his. The price we pay is much higher than his salary.

16_Starfucks You have to tip even if there is no table service and you have a coffee to go.

17_Vacation The US doesn't have government-mandated time off. Means: no mandatory vacation days. A similar government: good old China.

18_Marc Jacobs Invasion 382 Bleecker Street, 385 Bleecker Street, 400 Bleecker Street, 403 Bleecker Street. Save Bleecker Street!

19_Mean Streets Bumps, holes and cracks ruin heels, make you want to puke in a cab and cause a lot of bike accidents.

20_Monolgues The loneliness that makes strangers talk to you even if they were not asked to. The worst part is that even if you ignore them, they keep talking. Sharing is not always caring.

21_Trash Album Living in a 3rd world country where garbage cans are not provided is one thing. But what does it say about the people of a city when there are plenty of garbage cans and still such an extensive amount of trash that tourists take pictures of it?

22_Smoking is not allowed in front of certain buildings even though the air of the city can cause cancer. Try prohibiting parking in front of certain buildings and I guarantee you a healthier life.

23_Visa While immigration becomes harder and harder with each year for foreigners with the best intentions, Bridge and Tunnel people still invade the city each weekend with loud nasty talks, fights and fake nails. Visa please.

24_Subway Grease the rails or fix the breaks - whatever it is that needs to be done because 'as little as 30 minutes of exposure to decibel levels measured in NYC transit system per day has the potential to result in hearing loss. ' (Columbia University, Mailman School research)

25_Sick You don't call sick unless you were hit by car so severely that you can't walk.

26_Slut Prostitutes were replaced by escorts. Illegal became legal and a new synonym for hooker was born.

27_Gristedes is gross.

28_Text you text, you don't call. Problem: you can text bullshit forever but you can't talk bullshit forever.

29_Vogue Elisabeth von Thurn und Taxis gets her column and can't write. When exactly did blue blood replace proficiency?

30_Freedom It is perfectly fine to have In Vitro Fertilization with the egg of a donor, the sperm of a donor, through a surrogate for a want-to-be-single mum at the age of 50.

End New York is the center of the world.

50 Things To Know

1_Make wishes, work on them and make them come true.

2_Do not make promises but always give your best.

3_Be patient. The timing must be right. And if the time doesn't come, it was probably not right for you.

4_Laugh. Because there will always be a reason to cry.

5_ Tomorrow is a nice assumption. Today is a given fact.

6_Love - Always.

7_Be honest with yourself and others. No one deserves a lie.

8_Work with what you have.

9_Care for your closer surroundings. Only then will a paper bag make sense.

10_Listen. There is a reason why we have two ears and only one tongue.

11_Dance.

12_Be humble because life will go on - even without you.

13_Have courage. There is not much you can loose.

14_Eat what you crave. Don't let it eat you.

15_Politics are dirty. Everywhere.

16_Breathe.

17_Life is a rental, it is not on sale.

18_People who make you feel like shit, are full of shit.

19_There are many things we cannot change. Take them the way they are. And if you can't - ignore it.

20_Appreciate what you have before wanting more.

21_Even when you are crawling, you are moving on.

22_Hug.

23_Treat yourself well and people will do it too.

24_Just because you can walk doesn't mean you cannot fall.

25_Don't complain to others. Your life is your choice. Therefore your complains should be addressed to yourself.

26_Treat your kids with respect. They are little adults and you are a tall kid.

27_The newspaper always reports bad news.

28_The three most important words are: please, thank you and sorry.

29_Look people in their eyes. They don't lie.

30_The only beauty that is everlasting and ageless is nature.

31_Music can make your day, or break it.

32_Admit your mistakes because not admitting them is the only mistake.

33_Think before you speak.

34_Help.

35_Surprise the one you love.

36_No one can predict the weather.

37_Kids are born innocent. Raise them well, because great kids make great adults.

38_Fight for your rights.

39_Sleep.

40_Count on yourself. You will always be there for you.

41_Do not hurt others unless you are defending.

42_Be thankful for what you have.

43_If you start with Vodka, stay with Vodka.

44_Be yourself and be your best.

45_Everybody needs a little bit of poison.

46_Kiss.

47_Cry when you need to.

48_Certain things in life are wrong.

49_Bend your principles, don't break them.

50_Stop looking for a meaning. Give your life one.