Papi

Forever with Us - Forever with You

Special thanks to Alexo Wandael

Puzzle

More than 10 years have passed since I lost my Loved One to one of the two consequences of life - its ending. Some of them passed like a blink of an eye, too fast to notice, others dragged on like a dreadful disease with no cure known of but time and patience to soothe only the symptoms. And even now, more than 10 years later, I catch myself every now and then looking for bits and pieces of him within others who are still alive and amongst the world I live in.

Knowing I would never find him in one piece here again, I started a never-ending puzzle called Dad.

The stranger who walked into the restaurant had his soft shiny forehead with the profound forehead rows, the cab driver had his all-knowing, humble and innocent gaze that for some reason always reminded me of Bambi, my uncle had his deep voice with the lovely scratch right where it belonged, my friend had his shaving brush, its handle made of hematite and Sephora had his perfume, a smell I could hardly describe...

I carefully chose and collected all those pieces over the past decade, handpicked each of them like flowers, held them as strong as I could and replaced in time some by other, more accurate ones, to create a wonderful bouquet.

I wanted to create a new photograph, the best I could possibly create, of my Loved One, dated with the present, of one who since long ago belonged to the past. And each bittersweet time when I met a new piece of him, each time when I thought I had just collected another piece of the puzzle called Dad, I was reminded that none of those pieces would ever belong to me or come to life. There were merely borrowed for a blink of an eye yet my eyes stole their glimpse forever.

A friend of mine once said that the yearning for the one you love and lost would never diminish and certainly not disappear. He was right.

I must miss my Dad every day because every now and then the snowballs that I would shape of an insatiable longing for him and that I would gently throw behind my back, on my way to nowhere, would turn into an invisible avalanche suddenly overwhelming me from behind and carrying me away... My only salvation in these moments is to melt the avalanche from the inside in order to break free which turns all the snow into all the tears I have, streaming down my face, as rapid and uncontrollable as only an avalanche can be. My heart shrinks to a size beyond my imagination and breathing is nearly impossible. Crushed by the heavy pain and trying to hold myself, the pressure in my head rises and causes a terrible headache. It is the wind that forces itself through my open mouth into my lungs, grabbing the space it is entitled to, that makes me breathe again.

No matter where I am, in my head I start running home as quickly as I can and on my way I think of all the things I possess. I go through every item, every purchase, every piece of paper or fabric. All I need is one thing that was his, one thing that can soothe my pain and save me - for now.

Back at home, in the house we used to live together, I used to run to the bathroom and smell his shaving brush, I would snuggle his sweater or lay my head on his favorite pillow - inhale as slowly and deeply as I could and exhale only as little as necessary...But time carries away not only the people, but also their smells.

In my new home there is no trace of his existence simply because he didn't move in with me. He was not even granted a visit because Life said so and Life didn't grant me an objection. There is nothing left to smell, nothing to touch.

When I reach the peak of my desperation it hits me out of nowhere and I suddenly remember that there will always be one thing that will be with me as long as I live - at all times and at all places:

I would always have my reflection in the mirror. I would stand there, drenched in tears, my eyes burning, red and swollen, giving my best to force my eyes to open and take a good close look at myself because somewhere there, in my reflection, must be a piece of him. A piece that I could not only see, but also touch. A piece that was alive, here and now. One that not even time, the best thief of all, could steal from me and no blow of destiny could ever separate from me.

He was truly a marvelous man and it took me all those years to understand that I would not need or find more words or better words to describe him in order to paint the picture that would do his soul justice. All I needed to do is to describe my longing for him.

I am the daughter of a father who would have given her life to save his.

More than 10 years have passed and this never changed.

Kissing In The City

There are certain truths is life that are intangible. Kissing is one of those truths. It is a truly wonderful thing to do and anyone who ever kissed, knows that. Besides being healthy, it has stress-reducing effects, it was and always will be a form of affection. Romantic kissing reflects being into each other - literally.

While many people worldwide consider Paris to be the city of love, no one can really tell why. Paris symbolizes passion and romance - another intangible truth.

You will find bright lights, romantic restaurants, lovely rivers and culture in many other cities too. The difference is that two lovers in Paris will show their affection no matter where they are, no matter what the weather is like or what other people might think about it. And they will show it very clearly.

According to Wikipedia, public display of affection is very common in 'developed countries' like the US. I could not agree less. Coming from Europe, I was shocked to see the lack of showing affection in public. French kissing being the least of the problems.

In New York City, kissing in public and showing that you are into each other is considered by many people as rude, intrusive or even disgusting. And yes, in some restaurants or public spaces you will be asked to stop showing your affection for each other by some sort of authority in order to protect others. From what, will remain a mystery. Simultaneously, New Yorkers absorb any form of affection like a dry sponge longing for water.

The Big Apple is ruled by Apple which according to Digitimes, secured 60% of the 'global touch screen capacity' with 50% of the iPhones and iTouches being used in the US. This leads to the conclusion that touching is very popular in the US - at least when it comes to technical devices.

In a country where people love to iTouch everything, from their iPhones to their iPods, going all the way to stoves and even microwaves, I wonder if the classical screen replaced the classical skin?

According to the Durex Sexual Wellbeing Survey, out of 26 countries, the US has one of the Top 3 lowest weekly sexual activities with 53% of the participants in the survey having weekly sex, the same amount as Nigeria by the way. The only country where people have less weekly sex than the US and Nigeria, is Japan with mortifying 34%. Weekly sex in France is common for 70% of the participants.

In New York City where the stress level of the regular person is probably as high as the Empire State Building, one should maybe consider excessive kissing instead of excessive workout in the gym. Not only is it for free, but it is also effortless and far from being exhausting. Furthermore I never met a single person in my life who suffered from muscle soreness as a result of kissing, but I can say that anyone I know suffered from it as a result of workout.

At the ends of our lives, no one will look back and regret having not touched enough screens, but rather having not touched enough lovely people. Devices just like money, leave no marks, only dirty fingers. But human affection can shake us to the core.

When it comes to excitement, I'd rather have my lips vibrating from a beautiful kiss, than a phone vibrating in my pocket.

swan

it seemed as if over night

she had turned into a swan

he, who was holding her tight

was holding her at dawn

every night

tight so she would not fall apart

her feathers covered in silence

every night

loose so she could breathe from her heart

in her sleep she felt his presence

with each dusk that followed the dawn

he who had already turned himself into a swan

was able to see what was yet to be seen

who she is, will be and has been

farewell he said and one more embrace

chest to chest and face to face

the stains of his absence were washed in her tears

the door shut and gone were her fears

her walk was sublime

was it her or was it time?

my love!look who i am! she wanted to cry

but her words failed to describe

and her voice turned shy

and with the heavy weight of his embrace

she learned to fly

50 Things To Know

1_Make wishes, work on them and make them come true.

2_Do not make promises but always give your best.

3_Be patient. The timing must be right. And if the time doesn't come, it was probably not right for you.

4_Laugh. Because there will always be a reason to cry.

5_ Tomorrow is a nice assumption. Today is a given fact.

6_Love - Always.

7_Be honest with yourself and others. No one deserves a lie.

8_Work with what you have.

9_Care for your closer surroundings. Only then will a paper bag make sense.

10_Listen. There is a reason why we have two ears and only one tongue.

11_Dance.

12_Be humble because life will go on - even without you.

13_Have courage. There is not much you can loose.

14_Eat what you crave. Don't let it eat you.

15_Politics are dirty. Everywhere.

16_Breathe.

17_Life is a rental, it is not on sale.

18_People who make you feel like shit, are full of shit.

19_There are many things we cannot change. Take them the way they are. And if you can't - ignore it.

20_Appreciate what you have before wanting more.

21_Even when you are crawling, you are moving on.

22_Hug.

23_Treat yourself well and people will do it too.

24_Just because you can walk doesn't mean you cannot fall.

25_Don't complain to others. Your life is your choice. Therefore your complains should be addressed to yourself.

26_Treat your kids with respect. They are little adults and you are a tall kid.

27_The newspaper always reports bad news.

28_The three most important words are: please, thank you and sorry.

29_Look people in their eyes. They don't lie.

30_The only beauty that is everlasting and ageless is nature.

31_Music can make your day, or break it.

32_Admit your mistakes because not admitting them is the only mistake.

33_Think before you speak.

34_Help.

35_Surprise the one you love.

36_No one can predict the weather.

37_Kids are born innocent. Raise them well, because great kids make great adults.

38_Fight for your rights.

39_Sleep.

40_Count on yourself. You will always be there for you.

41_Do not hurt others unless you are defending.

42_Be thankful for what you have.

43_If you start with Vodka, stay with Vodka.

44_Be yourself and be your best.

45_Everybody needs a little bit of poison.

46_Kiss.

47_Cry when you need to.

48_Certain things in life are wrong.

49_Bend your principles, don't break them.

50_Stop looking for a meaning. Give your life one.

Sense

The subway in the evening was packed with people of all kind to an extent that we seemed linked , like the cars of the train, one to another. The train was delayed and moved only slowly from one stop to the following one - rush hour as usual.

If I would ask myself where I would not like to be - this would be it and sure enough I am only one of almost 8,5 million others who could easily think of at least ten other, more pleasant places. However, it is the one moment where we are so near to each other that we have to look at each other and see one another - not only is there merely space to look away but also the choices are narrowed down to precisely two people.

The afro american lady had a full round face, framed like a perfect canvas by a headscarf, emphasizing her peaceful features in her smooth flawless dark skin. She was wearing a grey wool coat that was almost too tight, embracing her curvy body with large grey buttons. She was sitting in between her two kids who were constantly moving, her arms in her pockets and her legs loose. The lady seemed so unperturbed by her surroundings , so relaxed, that it was adjoining to indifference.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, it hit me: Life makes no sense. Surprised by my own thought, wondering where it came from and how, I closed my eyes for a second only to look at her again, look at her kids, as if I would be searching for a clue that would at least challenge my conclusion and transform it into an assumption - if not prove me wrong. But even on a second look, it seemed as indigenous and natural as the lady herself: Life makes no sense.

I was surprised and baffled about how absolute this conclusion was and how it had caught me off guard. Still looking at her, I felt some sadness. I knew it a long time ago, but today, the thought that was born a while ago had reached every molecule of my body. Back then, I only knew, now I understood.

And on my way out of the train, I looked at all the people I passed on my way to the exit and wondered if we live because we hope that maybe some day something or someone will prove us wrong and show us that life will only make sense once it has been lived - like an oversized picture puzzle that , only completed, reveals an absolute, unshakable picture, screaming: Life makes sense.

Homework

Known amongst teachers as the great intersection between school and home and amongst almost everybody else as the largest possible detour on your way to leisure-time: Homework.


We thought it was part of school, moved forward , closed a chapter and went to college afterwards only to find Homework again. There it was 'Chapter 2'. And once college was part of our past too, once we started working, even then, Homework sticked to us and became part of our present: 'Chapter 3'.


In our private lives, figuring out who we are is strikingly similar to a school assignment: a never ending loop of never ending questions that need to be answered. 

The message that Homework would be not only an essential part of our lives but also a never ending story, got somehow lost or was simply never sent. Maybe Michael Ende was just not as famous as I thought he was...


The best intentions in mind to make our lives better, Homework can leave us confused to a point where we need private lessons. In life, the private tutor is replaced by friends, summer school by a therapist. The reluctance to deal with it, creates an importance and urgency in everything else. And suddenly we realize the significance of having an organized bookshelf by author and theme. And before we know it, we confess our love for vacuum cleaning...But nothing beats the 24/7 job, number 1 US export, widely presented as 'dedication and success' or even ' professionalism'.


But when homework is in the air, no wind is strong enough to carry it away. We can push the deadline and bend it a little bit, but at the end of the day there is no way to bypass it. And while reflection trumps denial, the latter is what is, unfortunately, written on most people's forehead. All of my friends agree, nothing written on ones forehead can look appealing.

Because life is a constant stream of changes in which we swim, constantly changing too, the easiest way to fulfill this already difficult task is taking care of it when changes happen. At the end of the day the only thing that should be written on ones forehead should be wrinkles of thoughts. And maybe we should simply ask ourselves: Do we really want to keep on repeating the same classes over and over again?

Aristophenes

Who would have thought that a man who was known as the Father of Comedy was one of seven people who came to word in Platos Symposium to talk about the importance and power of Love...

...In the beginning the world was populated by humans with doubled bodies. They were completed, fulfilled - a happy whole. Some were all male- they were the children of the Sun. Some were all women - the children of the Earth and some were half man and half woman, called the androgynous and children of the Moon.

One day, for a mysterious reason, they decided to scale heaven and to overturn the Gods of the Olympus. The Gods were in rage and Zeus even wanted to bereave them of life with thunderbolts. Which he, after careful consideration, omit to do as by killing a complete soul he would also kill his very own worshipers. Instead, he chose to torture them, cripple them by ripping their bodies in half and seperate them. Apollo was chosen to heal their wounds, to stitch them and to shape their new bodies.

Ever since this moment each half was longing for his other half, each one looking for the fulfillment they used to know. It was the beginning of a quest for Love, Friendship and Erotic - the greatest possible happiness a human being could acquire.

Change

Little changes come fast and we are conscious about the change itself happening - like a car that crosses the street too fast and makes us step back and wait for it to pass - we can deal with its little consequences, adapt quickly and react. When big changes are impending, they sneak up on us, slowly. We can feel their presence coming closer but cannot see what they will be. Like going down a dark hallway with no light switch. All we know is that the hallway will reach an end, but we never know when. It is the incertitude that bears the fear. And it is this fear that we need to overcome, that we need to accept and embrace, like a stranger who leads us in the dark. Life will never be friend nor foe. Life will remain a stranger with no face, one whom we need to trust blindly every now and then.

We might enter a new room in our apartment of life - one that is clear and drenched in sunlight. We might even enter a new room in a new apartment that we have built - amazed by the fact that the construction is over. And sometimes we will find ourselves in the very same room only to realize that the biggest change in our life was the fact that we have changed - while walking down the dark hallway of incertitude.

Moses by Coldplay

Come on now, don´t you want to see

This thing that´s happening to me

Like Moses has power over sea

So you´ve got power over me

Come on now, don´t you want to know

You´re a refuge somewhere I can go

And you´re air that, air that I can breathe

You´re my golden opportunity

And oh, oh yes I would

If I only could

And you know I would

And baby I,

I wish

Come on now, don´t you want to see

Just what a difference you´ve made in me

I´ll be waiting no matter what you say

And I keep waiting for days , days , days

And oh, oh yes I would

If I only could

And you know I would

And baby I ,

I wish

If the sky´s gonna fall down, let it fall on me

If you´re gonna break down, you can break on me

If the sky´s gonna fall down, let it fall on me

If it´s gonna rain down, it can rain on me