Love Weather

It might happen rarely, but it still does: we fall for someone and we fall deeply and truly. If we are lucky, the person feels the same way and falls for us too.

In a wonderful private place like that, where two people can create and share their very same deep feelings for each other, not only can it happen but it sooner or later will, that this little yet powerful place gets disturbed by misunderstandings or simply by a harsh world by which it is surrounded. In moments like this we can either run or stay. If we choose to run, where are we running to? Seeing it from a long term point of view, we probably will run into the arms of the next person with whom we will create another little peaceful place - a forest of love. We start all over again, hoping that the sky will always be clear and the weather always sunny. But even in the sunniest spots on earth: if there are no clouds over our heads, earthquakes will shake our feet...

And if we choose to stay? How long are we willing or should we stay until the storms are over? The regular weather channel is often wrong with its prognosis - and a love weather channel doesn´t exist for one good reason: it is as unpredictable as the weather itself. A wise person once asked: when is it enough? And he himself answered: never.

If we choose to stay we need to look at each other again. And the truth is that we look different everyday. And if we run, we simply look away.

If we stay, we try to stay in a little world that is changing constantly just like the bigger one by which it is surrounded. With every new morning we get a new chance to choose to look closer at each other and fall for each other again or walk away until the other person becomes blurry and disappears.

The truth is that if we don´t look at each other closely, we do not see each other at all. And how can we run from each other if we don´t know what we are running away from?

Lists

It all started in our childhoods with a seemingly innocent wishlist for Christmas. Growing up we overcame the legend of Santa more or less successfully and switched to the simple, easy to fulfill, grocery list. Both lists proved themselves as so useful that we created the famous to-do list which was soon to be followed by the sex-list and turned into the my-perfect-man list. Somehow it seemed we ended up right back where we started, addressing our lists to the very same person: Mr.Santa himself. Not a very reliable man, considering the fact that he works one day a year...

The "my-perfect-man list" can be anywhere between 3 words or 3000 words long and its single purpose is to describe HIM in order to let ourselves know what we are looking for, what it is we think we need and, last but not least, what we want in a man.

One of my girlfriends described this list as a female computer program that we install in our heads in order to successfully download a very special file. The better the program, the less chances of getting a virus. In order to settle, we need to swap from Windows to Mac.

This very same girlfriend used to have so far the most extended version of mpm (my perfect man) list I´ve ever seen in my life: very detail orientated, with rows and columns, categories like sports, religion, views on family, relation with close family etc...going all the way to sexual behavior, job, eye colour and even body hair quota and location.

Not a single category was left out. Everything was perfectly planned.

My friend indeed found her perfect man who was everything she thought she was looking for - her list only approved her decision: check, check, check. Barbie and Ken had finally found each other and it was pink all over.

Ken never left his soon to be ex-wife, whereas Barbie had not only her luggage packed but also her flight booked. Barbie was ready to go. Ken too - but unfortunately away from her.

I am still wondering what caused their break up. Did she left out a column on her list? I wish I could ask her about her own thoughts but Barbie left and the pink vanished while I am still here with the list I started a year ago and that I never ended....

There are things we know we need and others we know we don´t want. Very easy compared to the mpm list. For example: I know I need fresh cut flowers every now and then and I don´t want a liar. Everything else is in a grey zone and subject to change. Maybe we should leave it like that because maybe this grey zone is the only reason why there are still realtionships out there. Because maybe this grey zone is what compromising means: settling for something we don´t really care about.

Dear Little Sister

My Dear Little Sister,

You always held my hand;

In times of tearful joy and funny pain, in times of secret pride and endless shame,

In times of loud laughter and louder cries

And even in fear, you stood - and still stand

Dear Little Sister, Dear

Your once little hand, grew big into mine

Mine into yours - a bond truly divine

And loneliness? We never knew

We didnt, we don´t and we will never do

You found me in my darkest room and guided me when I lost sight

Like my own shadow: always and always holding me tight

We walked, we ran, we lifted and jumped - painting our skies cloudlessly blue

You heard me through a gaze, a breathe and in silence

Loud and clear - no one else could ever do

Dear Little Sister, Dear

Taking me for who I am is a love one cannot describe or understand,

A warm love, so honest, sweet and kind

One that I am aware of I was blessed to find

And I can only hope that you, with certainty, know,

And if you should doubt , these words shall show,

That I am endlessly thankful to hold the hand of unconditional love

One who helped me to be who I am

A wonderful woman, sister and friend

One who is and will always be the best in all of them.

Dedicated to my wonderful sister Samira in Love

Wishes

When we were kids we used to have long wishlists. Some of our wishes became true, some not. But we never stopped wishing and took every chance to make one. Sometimes it was an event like christmas or our birthdays that made us sit, reflect on what we wanted and write it down. And sometimes a passing shooting star was all we needed to make a spontaneous one.

We used to wish for everything, from a chocolate cupcake with colorful sprinkles in a bakery to our parents never dying. The older we got, the shorter the wishlist became. For some of us the wishlist disappeared completely.

I still remember as a kid the words of my mother who, for each of her birthdays every year, had only this very same wish: health and me and my sisters happiness. As a kid the one thing I simply could not understand and that made me shake my little head, was why her wishlist was so short if it could be much longer...

Yesterday I was wondering where my wishlist was. I still have one. The only thing that changed are the wishes but the amount I guess is still the same. The cupcake is still a cupcake, but today I wish for a homemade one by the person I love. Taste doesn´t matter anymore, but the thought does. My parents never dying is still a wish and will always be one. Years ago the recipient of my wishlist was either God himself, although I have to admit that his address was never listed anywhere, or my parents, who were much easier to track down.

Today, I address my wishes to myself. And finding yourself can sometimes be as hard as finding God. But even if you have the feeling that there is no one you can address your wishes to, there is still you. The good thing is : I don´t have to wait for christmas anymore or for a shooting star - although I still look up and hope to see the latter every once in a while. And while a shooting star might cross your way every couple of years, you can create christmas everyday.

I do, I don´t or I don´t know

A young, handsome, italian man who is a regular at a lovely pink restaurant on the upper east side came for his usual espresso one morning. Until this day we had only exchanged the regular "hi & bye". This day I asked him how he was and he replied that he´s sad. I didn´t have much time to wonder about how we jumped from being professionally polite to being friendly intimate. But hearing him saying that, made me not only feel for him but also ask him immediately and without hesitation the ultimate question: why?

Today his girlfriend, that he loves, had broken up with him after two years of relationship. He had asked her to marry him. I didn´t quite know what came first: the break up part or the marriage but figured the question was as old and relevant as "the chicken or the egg" dilemma.

He showed me his hand where a missing ring was, at least to me, her answer. He was asking me for advice and me, being aware of the delicacy of such a situation, decided to ask him a question instead of giving him my answer.

She had not say yes, neither no. But to a question as clear as this one, isn´t everything but a clear and loud non hesitating yes, a clear and loud no?

A marriage , the institution that in the best case lasts a lifetime, raises fear in many people. What we all have in common is that we unconsciously know that it is easy to step in, hard to step out and that the hardest thing above all is to maintain it.

A clear yes is the fundament on which a marriage is built and the best chance to a possible "happily ever after". A hesitation is no fundament - even Sleeping Beauty, who had just woken up after a 100 years of sleep, was not sleepy at all when it came to answering this question.

Are we so desperately wanting to get married that we are willing to spend the rest of our lives with a person who simply doesn´t know? And can we ask from one to be faithful forever if this very same person shows us she cannot remain true to herself?

The Bill

100 Years

Thanks to numerous, never ending, obsessive fanatic "Stay healthy and live longer" campaigns, smokers are witch hunted, not being active in sports is considered as self destructive, sugar is the new cocaine, organic food the key to a happier life, fat the devil himself and death seems far away...at least this is what we would like to think and manifest in our little minds.

Many people are trying very hard to fight time - congratulations! The overall age expectancy of a New Yorker born in 2000 is 77,6 years compared to 1990 where people reached the age of 72,4 years. But tell me, what do we do with 5,2 years more?

Heart diseases are number 1 cause of death, followed by cancer. But the WHO report of 2001 shows that in the future, in 2020 to be exact, depression will be number 1 killer after heart disease and not cancer. And suddenly 5,2 years more are not a blessing anymore. 5,2 years more seem more like an extended torture. As suddenly we have an increase of quantity in time but very poor life quality, if one can call this quality at all: the longer we live, the more we get depressed.

Did we forget what it means to live? If we cannot figure out what makes us happy in our lifes, if we cannot admit what it is that we need - even a hundred years of lifetime are not going to be enough. As a hundred years won´t make a blind man see and a hundred years won´t make us brighter. The moment we open our eyes, we will see that what we need is life and not a hundred years.

New York

Because even in the coldest winter, I feel warm.

Because even in the darkest night, there is light.

Because even when I feel lonely, I am not alone.

Because even when I have no chair, a stoop is my throne.

Because even when it´s noisy, I find some peace.

Because even when I feel suffocated, I still can breathe.

Because even on my lowest days, there is a smile.

Because even on a one way road, there is an aisle.

Because even when I hear nothing, I hear sound.

Because even when I fall, there is a ground.

Because even when I cannot stand, I lean against a wall.

Because even when I have nothing, I still have it all.

Flower Man

Walking down the road of life respecting everyone is sometimes appreciated but most of the time makes people comfortable enough not only to open up and let you into their world, but also to spill out more than one would wish for. One of the reasons can be that their world usually interests no one else but themselves.

Human beings are not half as well developed as their inventions. Maybe we should start spending more time on us before focussing on anything else. As a simple light bulb will never have the ability to annoy one as much as another personality could. On / Off doesn´t work for us.

Flower Man, a man I chose to respect, started the usual chatting and trying desperately to store his story in another humans closet. In mine. But then, very quickly, he tried to store most of his life which had the color of frustration. And this is a color I do not wear.

Therefore, dear Flower Man, this one is for you. So that you know that your story is stored, here on my blog. And everyone will know that you call yourself smart out loud and think that people who eat junk food are stupid. And I myself have no space for your frustration and will let you know again that the one who is smart, keeps it to himself and that organic food doesn´t grow at Wholefoods.

Dance Me

We might not speak the same language, we might not understand each other even if we do.

And when we try to speak, some might not listen.

But when we dance, we make some space for ourselves and share a monologue.

Join me or watch me - or leave.